Driving and Texting: The tale of the Good Samaritan gone bad.

Last week I was in my car, minding my business, on my way to a conference.  I needed directions, so I click the button and the nice lady says “What service do you need today?”  Aww, she’s so sweet asking me that all the time, so I say “Directions!”  Then she needs me to say the city and state. 

Me: “Ridgeland, Mississippi.”
Her: I think you said Richland, Mississippi. Is that correct?
Me: No.
Her: I’m sorry. Please say the city and state.
Me: RiDGE-land, Mississippi.
Her: I think you said Richland, Mississippi. Is that correct?
Me: *Sigh* NO.
Her: Please say the city and state.
Me: Ri.DGE.land. Mississippi
Her: Did you say Richland, Mississippi?
Me: No, chick! I said RIDGELAND! How am I supposed to say it!?!
Her: I’m sorry.
Me: Beyotch, you ain’t sorry! I’m tryna get to RIDGELAND!!
Her: Please say a command…
Me: Aaarrrgggghhh!!! Turn by turn directions my a….
*click*

Now, I still don’t know where I’m going AND I’m a leeeetle warm, so I pull out my trusty iPhone, and hit the maps feature. At this point, I’m almost in Ridgleland, so I’m trying to hurry up and I’m flustered. And I have to search through the world’s largest handbag, so I can find the paper with the address, so I can enter it into the phone. And there’s a lot of crap in my purse, at which point I realize the cough drops I desparately need are not in my purse. And I’m not hitting ANY red lights. And I’m late.

Finally, God places a red light in front of me. I miraculously put my hand on the paper, and click “directions.” I’m looking up, I’m looking down, looking up, looking down. Light turns green. I enter the last of the directions. I’m looking up, looking down, waiting on the phone to give me the route. And I hit another red light. The route shows up. Victory! But now I’ve got to turn around cause I’ve gone too far.

Enter: Lady in the little Nissan smart car that looks like a ladybug. Both the lady and the car. She rolls down her window, and I’m like “great…” But she’s in a smartcar so she must be harmless, and she probably just wants to spread love and cheer like those smartcar people do.

Ladybug: Ma’am, I know it’s not against the law in Mississippi to be texting a driving, but I’ve been watching you and I see what you’re doing. And it’s dangerous!
Me: *dahell she say?* What? I wasn’t texting at all. And why were you watching me?
Ladybug: Oh, yes. You were texting. I see the phone in your hand! And you almost ran over me!
Me: First of all, I was getting DIRECTIONS on my damn phone. I was NOT TEXTING. Secondly, I did not almost run over you although you probably always have that problem in that little bitty azz save the earth little car that won’t save your damn life.
Ladybug; *Gasp*
Me: Now move that little green sh*t out of my way so I can UTurn and stay out of other folks business before you get cussed out!

The moral of the story: Smartcars don’t make you smarter.